The adverse affects of ONE letter
2004-05-08 - 11:21 a.m.

So I wrote the letter in hopes of hearing that, “Yes” you would want to get back together with me- but seriously- Why would you?? I mean, look what I did to you!! Look how I treated you!- sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we didn’t keep up our friendship-which frankly- I have to tell you- doesn’t feel much like a friendship. It’s probably just me- but when I call you, I don’t feel special anymore- I feel like you don’t care about my problems-but why would you? Look at what I did to you!! I would hate me if I were you- literally!! hate, hate, hate, hate! I hate myself! I hate me.

I’m a bad person, and that’s why I shouldn’t move back home. All I do is annoy you, bug you-irritate you. I feel like I am in the way, that you have no use for me in your life. In fact, I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. I feel so empty on the inside. Everyone is so busy but I never have enough to do. Everyone has their own lives, and none of them contain me. I’m supposed to have my own life...but that’s not what I would call it.

Look, I’m sorry about the letter- it was dumb. I read way more into what happened that what there really was- I always do that!! It’s no wonder that I am single!!. You just wanted sex and I was an easy target, vulnerable, we'll say. Look- I understand, and although I don’t approve, because of how emotional I am with such topics, I forgive you.

You won’t even understand the level that I am writing this on because your heart doesn’t go there.

Why am I writing this? I am stupid-I am dumb-Why do I keep pushing this? Why?

Sometimes I think my thoughts are so loud-they distract me-but then I realize-it’s all in my head- and the voice that always counts my calories, makes me run faster, push harder, sit up straighter, drink more water, don’t look at that guy, your too fat, nobody wants a fatty, is the loudest one and usually makes decisions in my daily life to conquer anorexia. Although, I am nowhere near anorexia, physically- I do obtain the mental part. I eat as little as possible-but I hate myself plenty. Sometimes I want to let go, become fully anorexic- but I’m too smart for that- My body loves being fat-sometimes I want to throw up after eating- I want to hit myself for eating, inside my head, screaming, why did you eat that?!!?!, stop chewing, spit spit spit!!! Go throw up!!!! Now!!! stop stop stop!!! It’s so loud and painful, but what else do I do? I don’t wanna get help, I wanna get skinny.

yesterday - tomorrow