get real.....suicidal
2003-12-04 - 8:08 a.m.

it's time to get real. I am a fat disgusting COW. WHALE is more like it. I hate my life. I wanted to die last night. on the way home from my friend ashley's house, i contemplated suicide. SERIOUSLY. i haven't done that since 1999. all i do is EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT. I make myself so mad, I have no control. Somebody please help!!. I thought I could take what's left of my paxil and die silently on the couch while my fiance slept, but I decided against that and went and told him that i was feeling suicidal and that i needed him to hold me.

I don't think I punish myself enough. It's like I think the bad thoughts, but I don't do anything about them. I see the food that goes into my mouth, but I never think of it as anything but food, and it doesn't scare me like it used to. I want it to scare me bad.

I have to buy a new scale. A better scale. An electronic scale, so that I know what I weigh EXACTLY. I went to sears last night, to return my fiance's christmas gift that I thought I could afford, but couldn't. I felt like shit the whole time. Ashley wanted to do some christmas shopping. The B/F and I had a falling out earlier last night, so I decided to hang around and shop. especially since it was on her card. But when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even get excited about spending other peeps money. how sad is that????

yesterday - tomorrow