Is this really it?
2004-04-07 - 7:31 a.m.

My thoughts are the lonliest of all

They come and go and leave me exhausted, like I've been pulled thru a hole backwards

Some times I can feel my heart crumble, like mouldy cheese that's been sitting out to long

April 6, 2004

When I think about relationships my heart seems to turn to stone, and i think snakes start to sprout from my head......thinking about men for me anymore is so out of place. I feel like I'll always be alone. Hell, I live alone. I work alone, I hate my job (that's a different story), I eat alone, I sleep alone, I shower alone.....I am alone. My heart is alone. And Broke!!!! how did my broke ass make it this far?? How do I get up everyday and do this? where do I find the energy? How much more can I take until I break? fall, quit, give up, let myself down....let my friends down, let my family down. How many more days, weeks, months, years can I do this? Is there an answer? is it in alcohol? meaningless sex? unafforadable shopping sprees? lonely nights on the couch with a tub of ice cream? longing after married men? starving for perfection? obsessive excersise? pretending it doesn't exsist? this problem, this person I have become, this person i long to be, this lonely shell i have become. my heart is empty, its bottomless like the ocean. when i look into my heart i see nothing really, that matters. I feel like I'm not worthy of this life I am tring to lead. Am I trying to lead a life? or simply trying to make it to the next day? I know, I'm waiting for someone to come in and clean up my messes for me, someone to come in and take..................Brad on the Real World San Diego, he is really really dumb!! something about him really pisses me off.

My life never changes no matter who I pretend to be on the outside.

God I hate my life

I hate men

I hate my job

I hate food

I hate people

yesterday - tomorrow