The adverse affects of ONE letter
2004-05-08 - 11:21 a.m.

So I wrote the letter in hopes of hearing that, �Yes� you would want to get back together with me- but seriously- Why would you?? I mean, look what I did to you!! Look how I treated you!- sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we didn�t keep up our friendship-which frankly- I have to tell you- doesn�t feel much like a friendship. It�s probably just me- but when I call you, I don�t feel special anymore- I feel like you don�t care about my problems-but why would you? Look at what I did to you!! I would hate me if I were you- literally!! hate, hate, hate, hate! I hate myself! I hate me.

I�m a bad person, and that�s why I shouldn�t move back home. All I do is annoy you, bug you-irritate you. I feel like I am in the way, that you have no use for me in your life. In fact, I�ve been feeling like that a lot lately. I feel so empty on the inside. Everyone is so busy but I never have enough to do. Everyone has their own lives, and none of them contain me. I�m supposed to have my own life...but that�s not what I would call it.

Look, I�m sorry about the letter- it was dumb. I read way more into what happened that what there really was- I always do that!! It�s no wonder that I am single!!. You just wanted sex and I was an easy target, vulnerable, we'll say. Look- I understand, and although I don�t approve, because of how emotional I am with such topics, I forgive you.

You won�t even understand the level that I am writing this on because your heart doesn�t go there.

Why am I writing this? I am stupid-I am dumb-Why do I keep pushing this? Why?

Sometimes I think my thoughts are so loud-they distract me-but then I realize-it�s all in my head- and the voice that always counts my calories, makes me run faster, push harder, sit up straighter, drink more water, don�t look at that guy, your too fat, nobody wants a fatty, is the loudest one and usually makes decisions in my daily life to conquer anorexia. Although, I am nowhere near anorexia, physically- I do obtain the mental part. I eat as little as possible-but I hate myself plenty. Sometimes I want to let go, become fully anorexic- but I�m too smart for that- My body loves being fat-sometimes I want to throw up after eating- I want to hit myself for eating, inside my head, screaming, why did you eat that?!!?!, stop chewing, spit spit spit!!! Go throw up!!!! Now!!! stop stop stop!!! It�s so loud and painful, but what else do I do? I don�t wanna get help, I wanna get skinny.

yesterday - tomorrow