A letter
5/2/04 - 11:53pm

So I mailed this letter to my best friend last week....he swears that he hasn't gotten anything but is anticipating the hate that this will spawn...at least, that's what i keep telling him. that he'll hate me becuase it's all touchy feely and he's just not that way with his feelings. But now I'm thinking that I will hate me becuase it won't produce the results that I am looking for to fill this void (which is getting bigger by the day) in my heart. Of course he's not going to hate me, why would he? why would he hate the one person he's ever loved, who ripped his heart out, left him for another man, dumped him like a pair of wet pants...he doesn't hate anyone, well, Kobe Bryant, but that's a different storey, and he can't hate anyone forever, as demonstrated with Shak....so, in the end, it will end up with me hating me for sending this dumb letter about how much I love him and want to be with him, and he will respond with, well, nothing. He won't even care. I bet he doesn't even bat an eyelash at my feelings all sprawled out on paper, he'll probably just throw it away and never think anything of it. OUCH, my heart is breaking as I type. Becuase nothing would be better than to have a return letter with all of his feelings sprawled out telling me that he is ready to give this ol thing another try and that all is forgiven. Grow up stupid girl. He's out of your league now, he's outgrown this silly love that lives on in your heart. How do you tell someone who's not touchy feely, that you are sorry and that you would do anything in the world to make things better? I keep thinking like a dumb girl, oh, changing something will help my chances....looks, weight, financial status....the list goes on, but he's not like other boys...he's not dumb..so changing something about myself to try and lure him back is not the answer. I am stuck in mud. What do I do? I am lost in my own feelings, they are running around and misbehaving and getting my ass into more and more trouble that it's really worth.

Work, there is another thing. Just once I wish I could go into work and have my boss say that I am doing a phenominal job and to keep up the good work. It's amazing what words can do for one's self esteem. I would give just about anything to go home not mentally exhausted from him yelling at me, or making me feel like no matter how hard I work or what I do, it's never going to be good enough...(uhh, hello, MOM??)

I pretty much spent the weekend with my friends Ash & Bri. UGH. always reminding me of how nice it is to have that someone there, that someone to hold at night, wake up to in the morning.....God I miss that. I would have to say that out of all the boyfriends/fiance's, I miss Chris and Nathan the most. not even the husband ranks up there with those two. both of them completed me in different ways, but they were good ways and I genuinly enjoyed thier company and genuinly missed them both as we parted our ways. One becuase of a mistake of stupidity and one becuase of another woman. Love was just not meant for me.

May 2nd 11:53pm

yesterday - tomorrow