Suicide2
4/28/04 - 12:00am

So many thoughts are running through my head right now. It's like I'm franticlly trying to free myself from this web that I am tangled in and all I can see is the spider, which represents my thoughts and they are coming closer and I can't do anything about it becuase I am stuck, I can't move, I am paralyzed...what if I lose my job tomarrow becuase my boss is such a fucking dick? what if Chris no longer talks to me after he recieves that letter becuase he doesn't really love me? what if what Ashley said about Brian is true? what if the only time he wants to have sex with her is after I leave? What happens when I can't make the car payment anymore? What happens if I contemplate suicide one more time? how would I say goodbye to the people I love? What happens if I lose my job and I end up on the couch so fucking depressed that I just die of nothing. just die, stop breathing, right there on my couch??

Some days are better than others, obviously, this is not one of them. I hate my fucking job. I hate Chris becuase he could potentialy hurt me by saying what I already know is true, he's never going to get back together with me, we'll never be on the level we once were. we'll always be keeping up appearances and acting like we're friends, and I'll always be the one who expresses my feelings for him, and I'll always be the only one in the relationship becuase no matter how much he could have claimed to changed, he never truely did. it was all a figment of my imagination. i dreamed the whole thing up becuase i wanted to believe that he was a better person on the inside than what he truely was and now my heart hurts and my head is cursing me becuase of what a stupid silly little girl i have been. I wanted to believe that after a couple of years we could pick up where we left off, like we had morphed to better part of our relationship and that we were on the same level now, and everything clicked. but now i realize that it was part of this dream i've been having becuase i am lonely, and i am afraid to date, afraid to throw my heart out there again so someone else can tear it up and throw it away along with me. I wanted him to be the same person I wanted him to be two years ago. the same person who loved me, but this time i wanted him to express it more, so that i didn't feel so stupid when i expressed my feelings for him. i just wanted to feel appreciated as friend, and loved as a person. maybe i feel this way becuase i work in a totally supportless job, where i feel like i am everyones bitch and i get yelled at constantly. it's a totally thankless job, nobody appreciates the lengths i go to, to try and help everyone out. I guess I am feeling majorly underappreciated and way underpaid to put up with the type of shit that i do on a day to day basis. i so want to quit but then what would i do? commit suicide? wish i had the guts. but i know i don't. although i wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life in an alcoholic haze. at least i wouldn't hurt this much. i wouldn't have to worry about having a job or anything else that mattered material wise, i would never have to worry about chris loving me becuase we probably would never speak again after i lost my home, car, phone...etc..it's not like he would actually try to come and find me, it's not like anyone really cares what the hell i do. i really think that everyone is just glad that i finally got out on my own and now i'm nobody's responsibility but my own. ok. i'm ok with that. that's cool. whatever. i want to punish myself so bad right now, but i don't know what to do. if i had any sort of drive whatsoever i would go out and run until i collapsed and couldn't catch my breath....maybe my heart would just give out and i would die right there in the middle of the street and nobody could save me becuase it's dark and noone would know that i had fallen until morning. by then it would be to late to save me, i would have already been dead for 5 hours. so who cares, after they take a look at my life, they'll agree that i was better off dead. maybe i am better off dead. becuase then i couldn't be torchered by these thoughts, these days when i can't get off the couch, the days of endless tears and heartbreak. i could fill the bath tub right now and drown myself....laying underneath the warm water and as my breath starts to run out what thoughts would stroll through my head as the water creeped into my lungs through my nose and then my mouth, as i took more water in to fill my lungs what thoughts would i be thinking? i would curse my wretched self for doing this, being a coward, taking my own life becuase i couldn't handle it anymore, i would curse every person who i had let help me to this point, under the water, my lungs are filling up, my body is starting to quiver as i struggle for air, i can't feel my legs, my eyes darting around, i would think of all the good times i had with all my friends, good and bad, all the bad relationships, and everytime i over analyzed something so much that it ruined a relationship, everytime i flew off the handle becuase i thought i was always right, and everytime that i loved somebody so much that when they left, with them they took a piece of my soul, the core of me, what made me human for a minuet, an hour, a lifetime. It's dark now, my lungs are full, my body still, the water has cooled and the steam is fading on the mirror. the sun is beginning to rise and birds to sing. another day has come and gone, becuase without me, the world seems a lot simpler, a lot quieter. maybe i was born before my time or i didn't use it according to plan. maybe they weren't ready for someone like me. maybe i'm just narrssistic. maybe i was wrong all along. wouldn't surprise me. at this point nothing does. if i could just punish myself i would feel better, if i could throw up everything i've eaten today i would feel better. if i could cut myself a little bit deeper I would feel better, if i could cry harder i would feel better. i want to hurt myself so bad. i want to take a knife and close my eyes and strike at myself and rip and tear skin and punish myself for the person i have become. i want to feel the blood pour from my skin like salvation and a reminder that this isn't the worst of the punishment to come. no, this is child's play compared to what i'd really like to do....i am a worthless human being, there was no point as to why god made me.

I just want to be loved for who I am and everything that makes me, me.

4/28/04 12:00am....

yesterday - tomorrow