A Dream To Die For
2004-04-16 - 12:06 p.m.

So I had this amazing dream tonight. I dreampt that this guy I work with had come over to my house and we slept together. But it was more than just sex, cause, well, to be frankly honest, we didn't have sex.

I lived on this crappy run down farm in some camper or trailer, it was late outside and I saw him driving by and flagged him down. He said he was on his way home, I knew that he lived north of me but that it was quite aways away so I offered him a place to stay and he took me up on it. There was an immediate attraction between us, I could feel it. We went to the "main" house on the property and sat down to watch tv, we chatted and touched, then we went over to where I lived. We were laying in bed, touching, kissing..I remember that when he kissed me I was all like "your married!!!!" and he said, "it's alright, she doesn't have to know" to which now that I am refelcting upon that being said I feel really awful that we were even together becuase he IS married and I feel like I know his wife since I talk to him everyday and generally the conversation drifts to his wife and how she is....but for the sake of a really juciy dream, we'll leave those feelings alone. As we're laying there I can feel his arm underneath me and his breath on my face, his lips as they touch mine. And the breath we exchange when we kiss and our eyes when the meet over and over again, engaging in a conversation that needs no words. As I laid there I felt a kind of peace I haven't felt in years. The kind that livens your body and makes you tingle and I didn't want to wake up. I think I would have given up just about anything to stay in that dream. It was so real that when I did wake up, I thought he was still here and I was hoping to GOD that he would have walked out of the bedroom to ask me if I was coming to bed or not. My heart sank when I realized that I was alone and that it was all just a dream.

Our eyes met and engaged in a conversation that needed no words

Your freckles left me speechless

Your breath sweet like my dream

And your touch left me breathless

Your fingers gently curled my hair

As I ran mine through yours

Our noses touch to exchange eskimo kisses

And our lips brush each other so softly

I'm trying to write this, but all i can think about is the fact that I hate myself so much, how could someone possibly love me? How could somebody possibly love me, this person I have become. This lonely shell of a person, this angry, lonely person who spends more time alone everyday that I should. I hate myself more than I should. I punish myself more than I should, but I never think that it is enough. I should punish myself more because I am lazy. So lazy and so stupid. I will always be alone. I am so fat and ugly I can't even look in the mirror anymore because I'm afraid of who is looking back. I so wanted him to be here when I woke up because it would signify that I wasn't alone, and somebody loved me for who I was, not what I looked like, or what I weighed.

It's painful to see this on paper, or to see that I could type or think such things about myself. Emptyness is the worst feeling in the world. When you come home to nothing and your life is nothing what do you do? where do you go? I go inside myself, inside my heart and I try to display on paper how loneliness feels, like someone would understand and say, "hey, i've been there and I know what your going through". But nobody says that because the words come out all jumbled and turned around. and it ends up sounding like regergitated bullshit that somebody else has already spewed out. It pisses me off and makes me question my writing abilities. Like it matters though, it's just one more thing I have failed at in my life. There's a list of my failures somewhere in all my writings becuase eveything that I write is a reflection of everything that i've failed at. Life, Love, Poetry, Work, Relationships....the list goes on and on. Looking back on it, I can't ever imagine why I exponged the pills from my system in the first place. Why did I let myself live when I could have ended it all so peacefully. Everyone says, oh, your so loved, your my best friend, your a good person...

why don't i feel like it?

why do I feel this way? this self hating abandonment? This narssisitic, self pitty outlook? Why? I don't feel like a good person, I don't feel like anyones friend, and if I'm so loved, why am I so alone? Is it easier to self loath than to deal with the underlying issue? is there an underlying issue besides weight, suicide, lonelyness, feelings of abandonment? I'm sure there are, but what good would it do me to deal with those right now? probably none. everytime i go to deal with these issues another side of me comes out that i have to make room for, and i'm so tired of it. i'm so tired of being me. I want to die, I want to be thin, I want to be loved, I want to be sucsessful. I want to BE.

yesterday - tomorrow