Questioning Reality
July 11, 2004 - 9:22 pm

Sometimes I pray so hard for God to rectify the things that have gone bad in my life. It's so funny that something as simple as a movie or a phrase can throw my life into turmoil and make me ask questions such as: Why can't anyone love me? Will I ever want the normal things in life, husband, house, kids.....are those the normal things? does every woman want those?

I'm standing at the cash register today and I see a pregnant woman and her kid and I caught myself thinking: I wish I could be that, I wish I could have what she has and be what she is....I understand the whole "thall shall not covet thy neighbor's anything" but how can you not at least think about it when you feel as desperate as I? Then I start to think about the lying factor. Why lie? Hell, if we're going to be lying, why get into a relationship? This I can't figure out. I am afraid to love, this we know. I don't know what to do to fix that situation, and everyone that I meet in the mean time, worsens my opinion on what relationships should be. Does that sound selfish? Everyday the deep seeded root for all hatred against men get's deeper and deeper in my eyes and I suddenly don't hear compliments and I don't see nice gestures anymore...I see someone who is selfish themselves and someone who is in it for themselves. Not someone who really cares for me and wants to wake up every morning next to me, just to see my face, or stroke my hair or simply hear my voice..I see people who want to hurt me, use me and then lose me. Which is exactly what happened between this guy and I. Although, it was wierd when it happened becuase we were not in a relationship, we had only been hanging out, but somehow I have reached the point that I need some closure. But I still can't figure out why he stopped calling me...and when I say stopped, it wasn't like a tapering off kinda thing, I mean, it was COLD...he just stopped. so I called on wednsday to see if he wanted to hang out, no call back. called later (around 10:30pm) no answer. so i left a message. no call on thursday or friday, but called saturday, no answer, so i left another message...this one to say that I thought he was avoiding me but that I didn't know what I had done wrong, and to call me when he wanted so we could continue to hang out. it's sunday. No call back. why? so I log on and see that he is on, but he does not im me...in fact..he logs off. So, becuase I'm still in denile..I figure that he's seen me and that he's going to call me....that was 5 hours ago. no call. what did I do? I am confused and depressed and it has launched a downward spiral of questions that I cannot possibly answer and to which I will become a slave to. I've already gone off food...lost several pounds due to not eating, which was in direct result of not having any money to pay bills, let alone buy food. My head is spinning with questions for which I have no answers to and this drives me crazy.

yesterday - tomorrow