Update
June 12, 2004 - 9:56 am

Holy Shit. I guess I should start with a quick update. I lost my apartment and had to move the week before last. I then lost my job and had to find a new one, and a new place to live with no money in savings. SO....thank God for friends in low and high places, for without them, I wouldn't have found my current new job (landed only days after having been "let go" from my other shitty job) and my new home, which happens to be in the bottom of a basement. But hey...I can't complain, I only pay 165 a month for rent. CHA BUDDY. SO...onto better things:

I have arrived in California after spending 4 days with my family (a vacation awarded to me by being "let go") in Eugene. I'm down visiting my sister and her boyfriend/husband. Yesterday we went to Santa Cruz and laid out on the beach. I got a little sunburned on the back of my legs, but all in all, I evened out my "driving tan". We rode all the rollarcoasters and then the log ride, like 3 or 4 times. I can't wait to get the film back. Today we are going to San Franie, China Town here I come!!! it's kinda all a waste though, becuase being "let go" has now turned into me scraping to pay my bills..and I couldn't really NOT come down here, we already paid for the plane tickets like 2 months ago. I am feeling guilty for all the money my sister has spent on me. She doesn't have it either, or does have it but is like my grandmother and rather out loud expresses how "poor" she is which in turn makes me feel like a mouch and sad becuase I don't want to take peeps money. I just wanted to come down and hang out, and I made it very clear to them, but I can't help but feel that they feel like they have to take me around and buy me crap...It's not really necessary. I mean, they have a big move coming up..which also wasn't delt into the playing cards when the plane tickets were purchased. It's kinda like cosmo was in on this, cause so much has gone wrong in so little time.

Love Life. two words: Non-Exsistent. I'm afraid of love and that's the way it will stay. It's like when I was down visting my fam, they wanted to hang out in town all the time, and I, well, I wanted to stay out of town as much as possible becuase I wouldn't know how to handle seeing the one person I truely loved, Nathan (for those of you who don't know, he's the one who needed "space", her name was Heather and she had 3 kids). I'm afraid of how I would feel if I saw him and her in public...they got married around the day him and I had planned our May wedding, and what if she was pregnant, WITH HIS KID??? that was supposed to be me DAMMIT!! and yes, it sounds as though I can't let go, but I hardly think of it except when I go down to Oregon or get lonely myself.

yesterday - tomorrow