The last scene
December 17, 2004 - 2:01 am

December 14 2004

I thought i was gonna die- left torn, violated and alone, I cried as my heart bled out on that bed. I had never wanted you so bad or hated you more. I shared skeletons that even past lovers had never known. I was a part of you. Your touch, your domination had brought me to this point. I wanted you to stay, I wanted you to have the same feelings towards me, but knew you didn't-and respected that. I grabbed for my knife to cut myself, to release this pain inside that I knew was coming but when i held the knife to my skin all i could see were your eyes, and the look you had in them when I told you that I've cut in the past....I knew what I had said had hurt you. The thought that I could bring that much pain onto myself must have been overwhelming to you, although you have told me in the past what you really thought of such dispicible acts. I just couldn't do that to you. I never wanted to see that hurt again from you. On the outside I pretended to be ok so that everyone wouldn't notice that i had made myself that vulnerable to a married man, even admitted to him that i loved him but I knew noone bought it. My eyes told a completely different story. Red and stressed from crying I mustered up enough energy to go out for a drink with a friend, but was imediately caught up in the whirl wind of thoughts all streaming back to you. were you ok? were you mad that i had said such things to you? that i had bared my soul to you?
My body ached to think that we would never touch again, my stomach churned and I threw up everything I ate in order to gain some control.
I ran a bath and hung up with you I started to reflect over the evening. We had a great evening, dinner, tv, sex sex and more sex. You pushed me that night and it was more significant that any other night becuase it was our last until another opportunity presented itself. My submission caused me to love you, when i realized this-all was lost. I knew I was gonna get hurt, but never said anything for a fear of you leaving me. My submission to you and what we shared meant everything to me. To see it stripped from me, wasn't something I was prepared for.

I don't know how you were feeling. I wish I did.

We did this together- you helped me discover who I was as a person-you helped me feel whole. This man, this married man of 3 years, brought out in me someone I'm sure wasn't there when we first met. I lived in our world 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I may not have always been the most obediant, but it never diminished my love, my dedication to you as my Master. I was yours and you did what you wanted.

December 15 2004

The drive home was quiet. My thoughts wandered back over our past, then blank out and then wander back to you. What i was seeing didn't seem real as the car moved along at 75- stereo playin...every song reminded me of you and I couldn't help be in a ok mood. thoughts of you touching me krept back into my head, your hand as it held mine-when you ran them through my hair-kissed my nose-kissed my forehead-thoughts of us fucking, the shower, the living room, the car, all the nights we snuck away so I could please you so I could feel your body next to mine, so I could feel your heart beat and watch how you shudder after I pleased you and the way you held me, the way you let get right up under your chin and lay on your chest or snuggle in your armpit...suddenly i was wet and i took every bone in my body not to turn the car around and call you. But knew you would forbid it. I felt empty with only memories to fill me up. I ate nothing all day long and forbade myself to smoke. I punished myself for you not loving me in return. When I returned home I ate a sandwich and 2 pieces of peach pie...every bite ridden with guilt and thoughts of morbidness...how could you eat that? you've been so good all day, You deserve this punishment...I had to purge, I just couldn't keep it in me. I found myself in the bathroom, once again, shoving my finger down my throat and watching the enemy dispell itself from my body which had been so sacred. lying next to you this morning i had felt not fat, but thin, and important..like i really mattered. Reluctently i stepped into the shower and washed away the last rements of you, your touch, our sweat. I ran my hand over every inch of my body and outlined every bruise you left on me. I was proud.

yesterday - tomorrow