It's been awhile
October 17, 2005 - 5:47 am

I know I haven't updated in awhile. I've been busy getting lost in the current relationship with my boyfriend. which at first didn't sound like a bad idea.....but then the scarey me came out.....ya know...the controlling, self living, not thinking of others me. Which is truely truely a pain in the ass. Then the huge realization came that my boyfriend of 4 months, is just that...a boyfriend. and he wants a girlfriend. and that's it. not a wife, not a mother, not a caretaker. all the things i'm good at being because of my up bringing and my role models....I have no idea how to be just a girlfriend. I don't know what to do....counseling?....ugh.....it sucks that i just had this realization last night. And he says he loves me, and that he wants to be with me...how come that is not enough for me? how come i want more from this poor man? I can't even figure out what is going on in my own life....let alone trying to make plans for someone else's. which is what I did. I made all these plans for him and I and we aren't even living together....I mean, this is just pure craziness going on. I've already started the self destruction of this relationship. It's on the downslope. He swears it's not, but I have a hard time beliveing him. Is it becuase i'm not happy myself? and I need this destruction to be self satisfying in the respect that "I was right the whole time" and how could he know anything? OH PLEASE. I am diluted!!! I am self loathing. This is a perfect example of why people like me should be on meds!
Also, it's the picture of someone who is not completely confident in the fact that she can have a normal functioning relationship.....I just wish I knew where this was going....I'm afraid that if this one doesn't work out, then I'll probably never get back into the dating scene again. And true, I shoudln't let one little bad relationship do it for me, but the truth be told, every single fucking relationship i've had has been absolutely terrible. what am I supposed to think? or do? I have no other tools in my tool box.

yesterday - tomorrow