I am lost without my thoughts...
January 22, 2006 - 12:24 pm

Welcome to the new year. It's sad that everytime I go to write in this, I have lost all creative movtive and I am left writing the dull, boring day to day activities that I go through.

I need a computer at home. My boyfriend has agreed to either help me buy one, or have his step father build me one. Hopefully he'll follow through. Like he says: "I have good intentions...I just don't always act on them". What's that supposed to mean anyways? is that some sort of excuse that saves you from feeling guilty when you don't follow through on something?

Most of the time I can't remember why we are here, and what we are doing, besides making each others livs miserable. LOL. I guess I should get on figuring that one out. I am so lost these days without a computer at home to write on, without a best friend to pal around with, without a mother to really talk to and connect with. I think I have lost all connections in my life so far. I bought a book today called, I hate you-Don't leave me. It's about borderline personality disorder. While reading the back of set book, I discovered that I have not only 1 but serveral signs of this disorder...to which my boyfriend agreed..and also said that he, himself might have some signs as well. OH GOODY!! two fucked up people trying to be together...LOL. isn't it just the funniest thing you've ever heard?

Signs are, as follows:

1)A shaky sense of identity

2)Sudden violent outbursts

3)oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

4)brief,turbulent love affairs

5)frequent periods of intense depression

6)eating disorders,drug abuse,and other self-destructive tendencies

7)an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone.

All but one apply to me. #2. My idea of a sudden outburst of violence is writing in my journal on my bed and listening to self-loathing music. I would never want to hurt someone.

#3 struck a strong note with me. I am always afraid of being rejected.

Example: My boyfriend and I just aren't getting along like we used to, so we decided that maybe we should take a step back and give each other some space, or break up...neither one of our needy, selfish, selves wanted to do that, so we agreed that we would take the step back and maybe not take everything for granted, such as, staying over every single weekend, or hanging out on certain nights of the week. We agreed to be more spontaneous, I guess, with our relationship so that it didn't feel as though we were in some sort of rut..which is where, I guess again, he was. I on the other hand was not. Now Im not saying that hanging out at his house every weekend didn't, or doesn't get boring, but other than that, I thought things were going just fine. OK, that's a lie. I knew things were going downhill back in November.

But just like #3 says....Imaginable rejection. I like to imagine that things don't really exsist and that all is well, even when it's falling apart at the seams. The point of buying the book was to do a little reserch into this and see if I'm an affected person. Everyone needs an excuse to avoid what's really going on in thier lives even when nothings going on. Maybe this is mine.

Although it's not likely we'll break up. We are two codependant, needy, emotionally fucked up people. Who just happend to find each other.

That's got to make you laugh.

yesterday - tomorrow