Valentines Day 2006
February 15, 2006 - 7:16 pm

Valentines Day.

good day. My boyfriend and I watched French Kiss, which is one of my favorite movies. I bought crack (McDonalds) for dinner and we roasted a bowl. Then he had a glass vase hand delivered to the house for me. Made by his friend in the soft glass part of the shop inwhich he works. :) It's beautiful.

Things have been going so well between us. For about 3 months though we struggled pretty hard and almost broke up a few times...ok, more than a few. we talked about breaking up almost every day and there tears and endless headaches about what we were doing here and where we were going with this. but then my counselor told me that I needed to focus more on being the conductor of my own world, instead of being the conductor of the WHOLE world. LOL. which I thought was assinine at first, but after a lot of thought, self reflection, and stepping outside of my own little bubble, I saw that I was pushing away the person I loved with my controlling behavior and he realized that he was pushing me away by not showing me love and compassion. OH YEAH...we've had numerous talks about why we don't have sex, why we don't kiss and hold each other like normal couples. He is extremely depressed, has chronic headaches, this hurts, that hurts, i'm tired....all of his excuses.
Something happened about 3 weeks ago. Something that I can't quite put my finger on......I put a stop to my controlling behavior, and he put a stop to his self defeating, self loathing, push your girlfriend away behavior.

Majic. or maybe we love each other enough to try and make this work.

We had sex on Sunday, it was the first time in about 3 months...and he said that it took 3 days of no masturbation and constant thinking about it to be able to do it....but then he said that having a relationship with me was important to him, and having a healthy sexual relationship was important as well, and he was going to work on that. I didn't ask how, when or why. (that's how I control my controling behavior) I just hope that he means it and that he acts upon it.

yesterday - tomorrow