A drive should clear your mind
August 15, 2004 - 10:21 pm

I wish I had a recorder for everytime I had a thought about life in general. It would make this diary thing a whole lot easier....I usually have thoughts about this great adventure after seeing a movie, hearing a song, or just driving around in my car. Which I have found to be the most soothing in my life at this moment. Time alone, in the car, listening to whatever music I want, smoking as many ciggs as I want, all that time to myself, noone giving me speeches on how smoking kills, no roommates fighting amongst themselves, no dogs, no cats, no bird, no phone....just me and the road. Sometimes life happens at rate of speed in which I am unable to keep up with and driving around in the car allows everything to process and clear. Life is so chaotic at this moment in time. Riding in the car allows all the thoughts that could turn on me to sort themselves out and give me a new perspective on life itself. It is what we make of it. I heard in a movie once: "Are you going to give in and live life? or are you going to go to the grave with all those unlived lives in running in your blood?". What does this mean? To me, it means this: While the decisions I make may be poor and somewhat misguided at times, I have never regretted any of them. If I can die knowing this? then I have answered that question. And answering that question gives me the greatest ease ever.

Got an email from Chris today, God I miss him. but not like the old "miss", I don't want to get back together with him, I just miss him, his company. wish sometimes that he was here.

On the other hand, got a message from the other Chris, reminding me that his friend was in town and that we worked like 6 days in a row this week and that's why we haven't seen each other. I was just happy to hear his voice. Of all the guys that I hook up with, he is the one I keep going back to and the one I have feelings for. None of the others matter...but alas, nothing will become of this....and each and every day I remind myself of this. For this is the life I lead: Always a step behind, Always the last to know and constantly feeling like I am not good enough. (not that I want to bash myself...it's just the way I feel)

yesterday - tomorrow