Shane
November 15, 2004 - 8:57 pm

Sometimes I want to smack you in your head. you annoy me. everything you do get's on my nerves. and anymore lately? I feel as though I am only around to give you rides and give you ciggies. I can understand that you are going through a hard time right now becuase you have been seperated from Jessica for a little under 6 months and there is a kid involved and all you ever wanted was a family and you thought you had one until she took it all away from you. I feel though, there is no room in this picture for me anymore but I don't know how to tell you. If I tell you that I don't want to "hang" with you anymore, it would hurt your feelings, and what if I do it for all the wrong reasons? what if I fuck this all up becuase I am known for sabotaging all my own personal relationships with people? how do I explain that later? how do I deal with that later? how am I dealing with it now? not very good. I want so bad to tell you exactly how I feel, but I feel as though I am flogging a dead horse and anything I say just goes in one ear and plus I don't want to hurt your feelings. but I'm not doing a very good job of protecting my own....which I am very sad for. You are my drug, but you want nothing to do with me. we are just friends in your eyes. although i've never had friends who were guys who called me everyday to see how i was, or want me to come over all the time...I am confused. I want to end it with you becuase I am scared of how you are making me feel, but more, becuase of how I make you feel. Things have been cold on your end. when I say cold, I mean, your not as open with me as you used to be. what do I do? i can't climb that wall that you are building. I wish i could, I wish i could give you all the friendship that you need, but I just can't becuase my heart got involved. Stupid heart. I hate people and relationships. poetry has escaped me lately and thoughts are rash and inconciveable. how do i process all the information and not hurt you? i don't know. i wish i did. then i wouldn't have to hurt you the way i'm about to. I am going to have to say goodbye to you. I think you're a great person, and maybe if we were at the same road then this would work, but we're not, and I can't wait for you becuase in the game of life, there are no guarantees of weather you would pick me in the end or not. so to wait around and have you not pick me would be devistatinly painful and a gigantic waste of my time and energy. not to mention, a slap in the face. so, before things go any further, I bid you farewell and good luck in life. I hope that you find all that you are looking for and accomplish everything you set your heart on. Don't bother to keep in touch, becuase we would only be faking our friendship, and that doesn't do anyone any good.

yesterday - tomorrow