This Day
November 29, 2004 - 12:50 am

So many things to write about tonight. my mind is racing, my skin is crawling, i can't sit still. I feel like I have injected speed, I will be up for days.....let's start at the beginning: had a good day yesterday...which has spilled over into today, until i stepped on the scale and realized that i weighed 215 instead of an even 200 just about threw me overboard. My roommates were up at the crack of dawn this morning...jezus chroist....so i got up and went out shopping with them. OH YES, shopping when i have no job..no money, just what i entail as a fun day. Lunch time rolled around and i begged to be taken home to get something to eat...using the excuse that i didn't have any money, but knew that wasn't going to fly, she would just offer to pay..and she did, so we ended up at McDonalds which i goddamn fucking hate with a passion becuase the food is good and always sticks to my ass, thighs, wherever it can!! I"m not even going to write what i ordered...it's too embarassing, but i will say, i never wanted to sneak away and purge so bad in my life!! i just couldn't find a moment all fucking day, they were everywhere!!! so i had to digest it, but luckily we went to the gym, i could only get them to stay for an hour but an hour is better then none.

then the trip to albertsons, the whole time she's promising me that this is the last time we will have ho ho fest 2004 and that after tonight we will eat better...NO NO NO NO NO. I am done...I was done yesterday!! I don't want no more!! Then she made the comment.....the comment she always makes..weather we are in public or not...."she's anorexic again"....ok, like it ever went away?? and do you have to make that comment in PUBLIC? like say at the supermarket?? or even in the kitchen? do you have to say that? why can't you just leave me alone. why does everything have to be about you?? just get off my case!!! so i don't want your fucking ho ho's and i don't want to share your whoppers, and i don't want any pop, fuck off!! leave me alone!! but i didn't say that, i protested that i was eating, cause i have been. i can list you out everything i've eaten since my embarrasing overloading of my plate on thanksgiving, to which i paid the price by taking laxatives becuase i was so uncomfortably full.

So...we sit down to watch this movie called Angels in America, which turns out to be pretty good, and now I am addicted to and wishing we had cable but renting the dvds as they come out will be fine. Shane calls....more about him him him, and then springs on me that he is going to quit masturbating but that it has nothing to do with me, it's for control. ok. how can i think it has nothing to do with me? he is jerking me around. and i allow him to do it because i like him and have no spine of my own. I don't know why i don't tell him to fuck off, I just can't though. First he tells me that he doens't want to have sex with me beucase he wants to get his life together, ok, i can understand..but why shut me out? then to come to me and say, well, now ijust want to be friends because of this and that, and then the ex's name came up. by then i had quit listening because i was being thrown away AGAIN....surprise surprise...no doubt had something to do with my weight..which he confirmed the night before thanksgiving by letting me know that my UPF (upper pussy fat for the laymen) was "kinda" (as he put it) gross, but that it didn't bother him. umm hullo!!! CONTRAFUCKINGDICTION??????? and why that did not push me over the edge i have no clue....but it didn't and it should have. i should have punished myself by not eating thanksgiving dinner..i should have stayed down in my room all evening. so anyways. he calls tonight and tells me that...my feelings were really hurt, but i could never tell him that becuase he wouldn't understand. instead i took a long walk....a long long walk...fast walk...into a run..you know how you just run and run and run until you think your going to faint and your heart is pounding, all the blood is pumping through your veins....i ran until my head was clear and my face was red, my breath heaved out and my legs shook. I had to run, i couldn't think of anything else to do, i had to move, get out of the house. i cried as i ran....i just want some peace, that's all i want.

yesterday - tomorrow