Finished
November 30, 2004 - 3:26 pm

Things aren't adding up. Nothing is going right. I am scraping the bottom of the barrel right now. it's gross. it's where the end of civilization has come to wallow in thier self pity and now I have arrived here. Lonely, in a sad state of confusion, broke, and baring my sould to anyone who will look at me. Only what i recieve instead of the quiet death I am looking for is a slap in the face from a "friend", the overabundance of joy from someelse who's life is now falling into place and someone who will come home later and rub into my face about how thier future will seem so much brighter now that they have that extra 4 dollars an hour. Well you know what? I don't want to hear about it. I dont' want to know what new things you can buy now, and how you can move into a better house or go back to school.
I thought I had this one pegged...I thought I had it down. Apperently not. I am just as useless as the next person in line for the same position. There is nothing special about me to make me stand out from the rest of the crowd. Deep down I know that I am different...what kind of different am I? Why am I not able to keep a job, stay in one place for very long, have a relationship to last outside of a year...these are questions that I visit daily and everytime I leave, I walk away with no more information than when i entered the room. I don't know what to do. I am lost. but I am not lost. I know where I want to be. Isn't that half of the fucking battle? knowing where you want to be? what you want to accomplish in life? where you want to go? Do you think that people who acctually showed up to school are where I am right now? I mean, don't get me wrong, yes I took chemistry and never did the home work and passed with an A-....and then Biology and passed with a B+.....and then AP English and passed with the only A in a class full of seniors.....but seriously...what does that mean now? how is that important? I flunked gym...and lesiure sports...who flunks these types of things?? Is where I'm at just a question of reality becuase so much is going wrong right now? and how do you tell the difference? I mean, yes, if they had called to say that I got the job I would be instantly relieved and so much would have been lifted from my shoulders...but even if they had call to say that I didn't get a job, I would be able to feel relief.

yesterday - tomorrow