Fantabulous Day 1
December 10, 2004 - 10:45 pm

well, i've had a fantabulous day, let me tell you all about it: first joel and i decided to move my stuff to selina's house, so we get there, and she wiggs when she sees all the stuff, saying she can't do this because she's supposed to be getting ready for jay to come home and whatever it was she used for an excuse...but this is only after she begged me to stay, telling me that she would never throw me out on my ass and would never ever treat me the way my last roommates did. so i suppose that was a lie. this is only after my roommates threw me out for reasons i have yet to understand, but upon talking them, they don't know either. great. i told selina this was a bad idea because i just don't have that kind of trust in people, and she assured me, she would never do that....and look here what she did. not only did i have to move my furniture from the house to the truck, from the truck to selinas apartment, from selina's apartment to a storage unit...which i couldn't afford (more wonderful news!!) now i have no place to stay in spokane. you really learn who your friends are in times of need. I have noone now. No place to stay. my only option is to move down to kennewick or move back home. all of which i am fighting tooth and nail, but let's look at the facts:

1) have no home in spokane
2) have no job in spokane
3) feel like i have no friends...in spokane
4) Mike is talking about ending this thing between us...more great news!!
5) Heather is accusing me of breaking up her marriage becuase Joel helped me move today. (even better news!!)

for some reason, i feel like the worst person on the planet. Leaving spokane would bring about the harsh cold reality that yes, I do love Mike, but yes, he is married, and no, he doesn't care one way or the other about me or my decisions....I would forever feel that i was the cause of the end of Joel and Heather's marriage, even though Joel is saying that it has nothing to do with me. I've ended a friendship with people i've known for a while all because of my lifestyle, which seems to be under the microscope these days.

my personal life is falling spectacularly apart.

my work life has been destroyed...beau-ta-mus. i have a job interview on monday, but it's everything in my body to go to it, and even more to smile and fake that all is well in my world..when it is not. I don't know that i have to sleep in a parkinglot somewhere. what's gonna happen then? so i land this job, great...but in the meantime, during the holidays, i'm sleeping in a parking lot because i have no money for anything else. ya know? this is sad. i want to cut myself...hard, deep......i hate myself so much right now. i hate my life. i hate my so called friends...i have to go.

yesterday - tomorrow