It's just feelings.......
March 10, 2010 - 7:37 pm

I'm not ready for you to leave. I look around and I see bits and pieces of you everywhere in my house. I just can not wrap my mind around the fact that you are leaving, I try to, promise. My stomach knots up and I lose my appatite, I feel like I'm shuddering on the inside, I want to hide so bad from you. I don't want you to know so I stuff it down, I can feel my soul ache, it aches so bad, I can't do anything about it but hold you as close as I can. Sometimes I think I can feel you and I melt into each other, like I can feel your heart beat inside my own, it's hauntingly erotic. My soul is tied to yours, and I'm afraid that if you leave, and never return, a part of it will wilt and die. It scares me so much...and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be so brave on the outside, but here alone in my bedroom I am vulnerable to my own fears and imperfections. I try not to think about what I did to make you want to go away, even though the sane part of me says that it wasn't anything I did, it really had nothing to do with me, but I can't help but venture over the fence and wonder really, Is it me? was it something I did? or didn't do? Why am I not enough to keep you here? I would do anything, anything in the world to keep you here. You make me laugh, and we have tickle fights and we never fight. I love you so much I can barely handle it. You give me so much hope and support. I'm going to miss that when you are gone. I will have noone to come home to, noone to laugh off my bad days with, noone. You will be 2000 miles away. I told you, I went home once too....and never returned. I want to belive that you are coming back, I want to so bad but I won't allow myself because I'm so terrified by the thought of you not coming back, I'm not sure I could mend enough to move on. I'm afraid that I will be so broken, beyond repair. I'm afraid of what my days will look like when you fade from me, our relationship based on a series of random phone calls....2000 miles apart. I want to be strong, I want to be brave. I want you to see that this isn't really all that big of a deal, you are going home to help your family and spend time with them and then your going to come back,but I just can't get past the part where you leave. I believe deep down somewhere inside me that you are not going to come home. I'm terrified of what it's going to feel like. I don't know what to do. If I tell you how I'm really feeling then you'll feel bad for leaving, you'll leave anyways, but I don't want you to feel bad for leaving, it's for a good reason, but the selfish part of me could only dream of what would really happen if I told you how I was feeling on the inside. I wonder if you've ever felt these feeling for another person..it's so natural for me to love you. Like it was meant to be. We have a dance that others envy. We have our own language and when I'm with you the rest of the world is silent, I see you, and you only. Could this all be part of some really horrible nightmare? I wish. This is so stupid, it's like I'm fighting with myself on "paper". This is going to rip me apart to be honest. Part of me will die, I can feel it in my bones. First I'll miss you and I'll be sad, and I'll mourn you. Then I'll try to make sense of it, resent you a little, be dissapointed with myself for allowing myself to you love you as much as I do, it's almost painful, like pricks from a million needles all over inside of me. Each day is going to be hell for me when you leave.....all my insecurities, like a bear returning to the surface after a long peaceful rest. Roaring through my body and mind, playing nasty spiteful tricks on me. It'll trick me into thinking that after awhile you'll have moved on, that you're trying to find the right words to tell me it's over. That will consume your thoughts and with that will come great distance between our hearts and souls made by us both trying to protect ourselves from each other. I don't want to belive those things, I don't, promise. I want to belive in all the good, and I'm really trying to, promise. I am showing you the bravest face I can, but I am crumbling on the inside. Please don't go. Please stay here..with me. Please. I can't do this without you, I just can't. Not having you here...I can't fathom it, please, don't go. I am powerless, I have to let you go and that will be....I don't know if I have that much strength...courage. I'll have to keep it together while I'm withering away on the inside. I have to wonder, can people really die of a broken heart? Can two people be that wound into each other that apart one would eventually waste away, missing the other one so bad that they just give up living. Could that happen? I miss you when you go away for work, and that's temporary, how will I make it one year? How? I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it a year, I just don't know. What if I'm not? what happens then? What if you're not strong enough? What if...? what if. My life will never be the same without you. You made me want to be a better person, for myself, and for you. You get me better than anyone else, and I mean that, and you know that yourself. You get me, it means a lot to me. I hope that you never forget me. I'll never forget you, promise. I love you...

yesterday - tomorrow