One Sided Conversations..
March 11, 2010 - 7:17 pm

Have you ever felt like you weren't as much a part of your loves life as you thought you were? It sucks, but to be honest, I feel like that right now with you. It's because you're not here to protect me from my mother, she said something today that is sticking in the fore front of my mind....like a fork in the road for my thinking and I'm not really sure which way I should venture. You're going to hate this, because I know how much you love her, ha ha, kidding...in a nutshell because I'm stoned and distracted with racing thoughts I'm paraphrasing: She said that you have always been trying to get home, you just had an opportuinty to take and you did, and that you probably wouldn't have come back if I didn't beg you to. That last part was me....I feel the same way too now though.......I don't think you intended to come back right away, you run from things like I do. You came back because I begged and pleaded you to, and I bought you a plane ticket. I am beginning to think that I am a complete mug. I think she is right, she said that you were charming, and yes you are, very much so. She said that you weren't going to come back and that I should try and move on, and now I feel like I should. I feel like I should move on. She also said that I internalize things. I didn't think I did, but I guess she's right, at least this time, I've been internalizing so much of this from you, from her, from the world. This is ridiculous, I am ridiculous.......I don't know what to think.
Do you even love me?
Do you use me?
Do you take advantage of me?
Why are you leaving?
You're not coming back are you?
Please don't leave.....please stay.
I think you're using me after I talked to my mom, and I want to think that it's just her spewing poison into my head, but I find myself coming to the same conclusion, I don't want to, but i do. Sometimes I think you take advantage of me.....I can't tell if you are sincere or not, I can't tell if you really like me. I think it's because I honestly and truely love you and you embody everything that I want to be and to be with and I am so afraid that I'm going to blow it all that I am sabotaging my own relationship right now. I am a complete idiot. I'm sorry. I can't seem to say what I really mean....I can think about it, and think it, and let it roam around up in my mind, but when I go to write it down, it goes blank. Like writing it on paper would make it a reality and I'm not ready for it yet.
Damn Rose Colored Glasses.
Let's just say you are though......well played. You totally had me going that I finally found a good guy, who cares if he didn't have steady work and was a little lazy and kind of a chicken shit, he made me laugh, brought me joy, which was enough for me, but after talking to other people, it got me to thinking...am I really that big of a SUCKER? Maybe I am. I don't think I know what I really want. I shouldl though, I'm 30, you'd think by now I'd have my shit together. I'm sorry. One sided conversations are unfair. I didn't want to belive any of the things she was saying about you, I was defensive on your behalf, promise. I am ashamed to admit what I'd been thinking. I don't know what else to do. I can't say it. I can't say it out loud because if I do then you'll leave and never look back.

yesterday - tomorrow