The Picture
March 28, 2010 - 10:05 am

I almost showed you the picture....but then I decided that it wasn't the right time. I don't know if there will ever be a "right" time. I've gotten over the fact that you are going home and will be gone for the next year, however another thought slipped into my mind yesterday after my outing with the girls. Our S&B's rarely contain much knitting, but more of a session where we can brag about how many times a week we get to have sex, well, it's one of the many topics that we share amongst ourselves freely. 1 of my friends is in an open relationship, the other in a closed one. I wish we had more sex. I'm sure it's not a reflection on me as a person, as you tell me that I am beautiful and that I am attractive and wanted....and I want you, so bad, but I never get that in return. I am trying to refuse the notion that since we've been together for a little over a year that it's normal to not have sex on a regular basis. It drives me insane. Like I said, I'm trying to push that particular thought out of my head, but, I feel like I'm trying so hard, I'm trying to be something that you desire at least more than once every 2 weeks. It's you. It's not me, but I am stuck because I can't admit to myself that you really are not a person I should be with, or if you are, then we should have having a lot more sex. We've talked about it, you've given me all of the excuses that men normally give women they are not all that attracted to: my stomach hurts, I'm messed up from traveling, I'm tired....and also some ones that hurt a little like: I didn't want to say anything but you were a little ripe last night and I didn't want to. So I stepped it up and started showering in the evenings and putting on lotion and trying to make every effort I can so that you'll look at me and want me, but so far, nothing has worked. We still have sex on your schedule and now it's just getting worse. I can barely look at myself anymore let alone try to get you to look at me. It saddens me to no end. What do I do? We've talked about it so much and I'm so tired of hearing your excuses....excuses...that's all I hear from you, why you didn't do it, or couldn't do it...never you just doing it. Eating makes me feel better but at the same time it makes me feel like a failure. Maybe if I didn't eat so much you'd find me more attractive and want me. Maybe not. Maybe we've just reached all that we can in our relationship and it's times to call it quits. I have having the same conversations with you: how you're not meeting my needs as a person and how I don't think it's right and how I know I deserve much better than you. I know this, but am too afraid to say it. If I talk to you you'll spin it around and say that you understand and that you'll try harder, or you'll tell me that you've wanted me all day and just couldn't find the right time, hell, I even waited up as much as I could last night and nothing....I finally had enough with the conversations in my head I had to roll over and talk myself into sleeping. It hurts to admit this. I can feel my heart breaking. It's such a painfull, morbid feeling. My whole insides shutter and cave in. It leaves me breathing heavy and hiding in my own head. I'm good at communicating, I'm just tired of hearing your excuses of why you can't, or didn't, or was going to do. It hurts me, just like my mother hurts me...promises promises, both of you. It seems as though I can only bring manipulators and thieves into my life. It's disturbing and saddening. I want so much more from myself and my mate but I just can't seem to bring it all together. I need help, I need to share this with you so you can make a decision of wether or not you want to stay in this with me or not.

yesterday - tomorrow